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RANT The rise of modern slavery featuring a headset covered in Sharon’s 3 day old fucking scabby makeup

If you've ever thought about a long and healthy career working your way to the top in a call centre, just fucking kill yourself now.

Published 30 OCT 2017 13:23PM

Words by AC Speed




Alright, so it’s not modern slavery but fucking hell. There has to be a better way to make a living than sitting at a desk, wearing a headset covered in shit, and telling customers how right they are when they are clearly fucking wrong, right?

Call centres, most of us have worked in them, most of us want to kill every single person that has ever called into one. Not to mention the bullshit “rules” you have to adhere to in order to keep your low paid, headset-wearing mouth prostituting job.

You can’t use a toilet unless the light is green and if you don’t log back into your phone at exactly 13:00, your monthly bonus goes to your asshole manager.


And then there’s, Sharon. You know Sharon? The middle-aged woman that started working there 20 years ago for a few months and just never fucking left.

No Sharon, no one want’s to hear about your fucking shit holiday to Ibiza. You’re 44 and you still work in a fucking call centre. Just admit you failed and your plan to go travelling for the rest of your life when you were 21 really didn’t pan out.

And we know you secretly hate being, “single and free” after your divorce, because we see you in the park every day on your lunch break crying to a group of pigeons, that quite frankly, only give a shit about you because you’re sharing a mildly depressing homemade sandwich with them.

The working hours can be standard 9 to 5, or you could have the privilege of being put on a rotating shift pattern between the hours of 6 am to, until you shit gold.

Can you work in a fast-paced environment? Actually, means you’ll love having to move desk every day and trying to figure out just how the fuck someone got half a cheese sandwich stuck in the keyboard.

That’s your job to clean it up now. The cleaners are far too busy knocking your coat into the bin and moving your water bottle to the fifth floor. Just fucking leave it alone!


What’s that you say, we have to wait for a light to go green on a call board before we can go to the toilet. Are you fucking joking?

Well, when does it go green? Oh, when people stop hanging up before we can answer their call. You mean the calls we can’t answer because you didn’t hire enough people? Cool.

The worst thing about working in a call centre though has to be, the customers. Or, “fucking asshole” as we commonly refer to them as.

“Well, I’m just going to wait on the line until you’ve told me just exactly why you’ve sent me the same letter twice...”, oh are you, are you really.

A manager will definitely call you back regarding this after the line mysteriously goes dead.

Every single customer is the most important person on the planet and they all know someone that’s just finished a law degree or works for a newspaper.


Oh, and if you simply MUST take Tarquin to his acting lesson in 5 minutes, why the fucking hell did you decide to call us knowing full well your request will take more than 5 minutes.

You know this is the case because every time you call you tell us, “It always takes so long to get through to anyone”. That's because nobody wants to fucking speak to you!

The best thing though about spending most of your life in a call centre, is having to find a headset that isn’t covered in 3-day old scabby makeup from Sharon’s wild trip to Ibiza.

Thanks, Sharon.

If you’ve ever told anyone, “This is just a part-time thing for me…”, you are Sharon.












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